Fangirl Heart

Lately, I’ve been obsessing with this korean drama called, “My girlfriend is a gumiho”. At first I had no idea I’d get attached to it, but boy I was wrong! My fangirl heart has been tortured for days now because every episode of that show is so beautiful and you would love it! I don’t know if you love cheesy things but I do. Maybe that’s the reason why I loved it. But I’m not the only one who’s obsessed with it, we’re alot! The story line is so nice and if you haven’t spoiled yourself by reading the summary or plot online and watched it all the way, you’d be so anxious to finish it because it has so many twists and turns. Really, my fangirl heart has been dying a lot lately because I couldn’t stop fangirling! I love this part where they first became ‘friends’!

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I swear, I love this show with all my heart. The lead girl who plays as the gumiho is so beautiful and cute as well! Ugh basically she’s perfect and they guy is perfect too. I want them to be a couple in real life but then they aren’t because Shin Min Ah (the lead girl) is pretty much busy and the guy, Lee Seung Gi has a girlfriend already. My heart really broke but I’m recovering from it. It’s okay, they’ll be together in our hearts especially their the famous ‘Hoi Couple’! :) I don’t know what to do anymore because it’s been days and I haven’t moved on from it yet. Couldn’t shut up about this show! 

This post is about a fangirl who’s currently obsessing with something or someone. I don’t know if you could relate to this but this is basically how a fangirl fangirls. I don’t really know if you understood what I just said but really, this show totally hit my everythings. Especially their quotable lines! Ugh you’ll really love it. <3

Expectations vs Reality

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Is there a difference between Expectations and Reality? Well, let me tell you that there is a HUGE difference between those two. If you go around social network–especially on twitter–you will see tweets like ‘Reality sucks’… etc. It’s true but not most of the time. We tend to expect so much on many things and that causes us the pain. Expecting too much or even setting our expectations high hurts. I see people tweeting or saying ‘Once again, my expectations has failed me’. Well that’s sad, isn’t it? Yes it is because we expected. Too much. Not only love will kill you, but also expectations because once the reality kicks in, and your expectations is nowhere to be found, an arrow will hit you straight into your heart and soul. You know what I mean

Reality for me sometimes sucks because not all in reality is beautiful. It’s not that my expectations are high, it’s just that I liked my expectations better. As what the picture above illustrates, the arrow is straight while in reality, it’s tangled up. Why? Here’s my explanation:

Expectations is much more easy than reality because in reality, you have to go through many things before you could reach your goals, dreams, or anything that you want. Like in other words, our expectations are the ‘easy way’ or simply a ‘shortcut’. I mean we could do anything with our expectations because it’s mostly in our head. But then again, it depends if reality would allow those things to happen. Not everything that we expect, happens. We should always remember that. It’s also a reminder for myself. Reality isn’t that bad. It’s just… hard to deal with sometimes. But you’ll learn to love it someday. 

But hey, I have my favorite saying that goes… ‘Expect the unexpected’. I will always love that saying because when it happens to me (in a good way), my whole day–somehow–would be complete! It happens to me mostly in my love life. Well, just mostly. But you know, the whole point is that expecting about something is also nice. It also has happy results, like that. Let’s not be negative about expectations because I see most people hatin’ on expectations. I know it sucks but, that’s life. We’ve got nothing to do about it. Reality is just being reality. Again, we can’t do anything about it as well. We just have to accept things, that it happened. That our expectations didn’t happen because reality didn’t approve it. 

Why am I saying all this? If you think I’ve experienced this, well you’re correct. But if you think this is just because I’m bored or anything like that… well you’re wrong. I wouldn’t take time writing all my posts if I didn’t experience it. I’m writing this because I want you to know that you are not alone. Someone, somewhere is also experiencing the same thing you’re having right now. So keep that in mind.

Always remember

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Pills? Cutting? Hanging yourself? Drowning yourself in tub? Those aren’t the best solutions to end all the problems in the world. Doing such things reveals that you are weak. But honey, ending your life isn’t the solution. I, personally have been experiencing problems lately and it wasn’t easy at all handling them. I’ve been having suicidal thoughts and I keep blaming myself for everything. I keep saying things like, “Fuck myself for existing”, “Why am I so ugly?”, “Why can’t I be her?”, “Why did I do this, that…” Questions like “Why and what”. But I didn’t tolerate those thoughts because I know, it won’t help at all and it won’t change anything.

You’re stronger than this. Always remember that. Ending your life isn’t the solution for everything. Keep thinking about the positive things in life because there is always hope. If you keep blaming yourself about everything, then that would lead you to suicidal thoughts. Having negative thoughts will cause you overthinking and overthinking will confuse your mind and everything that would lead you to one thing. So always remember that you are important. That you are better than this. That you are something. You are worth it. I’m saying these things because it also help me from saying bad things to myself. Because I needed to remind myself that I was created for a purpose and you, too. 

Be positive always. Keep thinking there’s hope. You are better and stronger than this.

Virtuoso

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“The secret of becoming a writer

is to write, write and keep on writing.”

- Ken Maclead

Do I agree to what Ken Maclead said about becoming a writer? Why yes I do! How can you be a writer if you don’t write? Common sense. But to write something meaningful and deep is another story. A quote by Virgina Woolf, “Every secret of writer’s soul, every experience of his life, every quality of his mind is written large in his works” struck me through my flesh. It’s not the painful one, alright. It’s the kind of struck that empowered me, as a frustrated writer to keep on writing more poems and all that. But where did all these things started? Let’s go back a little. Shall we?

This whole madness started when our Literature prof. told us to compose a poem about Love. We could only use metaphor, those poems where you disregard the usage of “like”. Instead of saying, “Love is like a wind”, you say “Love is a wind” etc. It was a big problem for me that time. I wasn’t a fan of writing poems like that. Ever since in High school, I hated writing poems because deep words hated me. I feel like every poet in this world reads the whole dictionary because of their soulful and soothing words that could make your spine tingle a little. I gotta admit that I was really paranoid–at first–but it all went away after the project making day. 

There were 5 choices. I chose the last one: compose a poem. There was no any specific topic at all so I chose Him. Why not write a poem about him? He’s always in my mind so why not, right? The poem started about me telling how he shines brighter than the headlights at midnight and continues to praise him by telling beautiful things about his smile that would make me breathe harder. Deep words aren’t my thing at all! Every time I see an unfamiliar words, I go “Woah there! Too deep” etc. But right after this whole thing, I came to realize I love these kind of stuff. I am now fond of it. The last lines of my poem about him went like this:

He will be my favorite 2am

Even if I’m not his

But who is my favorite scar of all scars?

It would be him.

I know it’s kind of weird but it has some meaning to me that I won’t expand anymore. But really, making poems–rhyming or not–has been my current habit. I wish it would never go away. I love this side of me. I get to express the deep things inside me, the things people would be surprised, shocked, stunned, astonish… I would love to let the people discover this side of me. Not just being the loudest one in class. I would want them to know that I am not just that, that I could bring out something in me that you will never expect.

Writing poems, especially for him, has been fun. And hopefully, it would last forever. There’s this quote I love about writing. It goes, “No one can tell your story so tell it yourself. No one can write your story so write it yourself”. The quote is true. No one can write your story but you. How could people write a story about you when they barely know anything about you write? But anyway, I can tell you that I am really inspired right now. Virtuoso, meaning you’re inspired. 

How ’bout you? Are you inspired? Write something! Who knows, you could be like Lang Leav and all the other amazing poets out there! You’ll never know, you could publish a book about your literary works. 

Which one?

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Confused, puzzled. I don’t know which one to choose. Heart or head? Honestly speaking, I am confused on which one to follow. The famous line goes “The heart says go, but my head says no”. You know things like that happens to me and I thought people overreact about it only. It’s really hard to decided which one you should follow because of the pros and cons that comes into your head while you’re reflecting about it. Other people say follow your heart because, it’s the heart. They say that even though it’s in the left, it’s still right. Things like that but other say, you should follow your head. God placed your head/brain on top for a purpose. But, which one should we really follow?

Why follow the heart? I looked around the net and all the social medias on why we should follow our hearts. Here are some of the reasons I found:

  1. Follow your heart because if you always trust your mind, you’ll always act on logic and logic doesn’t lead to happiness.
  2. If you don’t follow your heart, you will spend the rest of your life regretting.
  3. If you don’t follow your heart, you might spend the rest of your life you wish, you had.
  4. Listen to your heart because it harbors sacred things.
  5. Follow your heart, regardless of what others tell you to do. It’s how you feel at the end of the day that matters.

To sum things up, they say that we should follow our heart because it’s what we feel that matters. But when it comes to following your mind, there were few results only. It was mainly, “Follow your heart but take your brain with you.” So basically we all have to follow our hearts but never forget to take our brain with us. Why? Because we need both of them. It’s hard to follow between those two. Sometimes we follow what our emotions tell us and we become careless all of a sudden which is wrong. That’s why let us take our mind with us so we would make the right decisions in life. Not the careless ones and the spontaneous, whichever that pops in our head. Some things are worth thinking for. 

Just a reminder, follow your heart! But take your brain with you. Always.

What is this madness?

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I go around places and see pretty girls walking pass by me. Some are okay, some are fine but some are just so beautiful you have to stop and stare at them for a while. Well, that’s me. I am always like that especially when I’m at the mall and I see this beautiful girl walking towards me and as soon as she passed by, I turn around and stare at her for a while with a sigh–which means I wish I was like her or something better than her. Thoughts like that play inside my head. 

Every time, whenever I take time reflecting about my life and all the other things, I get annoyed with myself. I always ask myself, “What is this madness?” or “What is going on with your head right now?” Why? Well because I am insecure. Insecure about many things in life. Like, I want to be her. I want to be like her. Maybe because I still don’t have the love I’m looking for? I don’t know. I have so many answers in my head. Every time I think about my insecurities, I become emotional. So emotional to the point of saying weird things. Ugly things coming out from my mouth which I regret saying at the end of the day. 

Why am I posting about this? Well right now, I am insecure in so many ways. Maybe because the apple of my eye at the moment is being surrounded by so many girls and I am not being noticed. I followed him on Twitter months ago but no follow back. My best friend followed him and at the same night, he followed her back. Am I really that unattractive? I ask myself. ALWAYS. It’s always him. The reason why I post weird things. Weird things about myself that I don’t even know why I’m talking about. 

On the brighter side, I tell myself always, by the end of the day, that being insecure isn’t nice at all. I keep thinking that if I go and be insecure of others, it means I’m hating what God has given me. What God has blessed me. And I don’t want to be like that, thinking that I am hating what God has given me. I am thankful in so many ways that He created me this way. But those insecurities that I feel just happens whenever I am jealous or paranoid. I just need to keep myself busy so I would stop being insecure. Those girls I see on Tumblr and other sites, I should just ignore them. And you should too, guys. It’s not healthy. Being insecure? No, that’s not a good thing AT ALL. I am personally telling you, that stop being insecure. Stop those insecurities in life because at the end of the day you’re the one who’s going to get hurt. 

Be satisfied and happy of what we have. God created us like this for a purpose. If we still don’t know what that purpose is, then let’s wait. Let’s be satisfied of what we have because hating ourselves means hating what God has done to us. And we don’t want to hurt God’s feelings right?

What breaks your heart apart

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He makes me happy. Even in the simplest ways, he still do. Those hi, hello’s and how are you’s, those are the simplest things that could already brighten my day. But the sad fact there is, we barely talk. We are not in the same college or building and so it means I’ve got 0% chance of talking to him. He and I are basically just acquaintance. Deep inside, I don’t want to accept the truth because I have feelings for him and it won’t go away. I tried to push it away but it’s still there. Right now, I am looking for a reason for me to give up and to move on because obviously, this isn’t going to work. He’s far away from me and he’s head over heels for this girl–who’s by the way taken. But even though he stops liking her, he has a very close friend that he could be with. I’m pretty sure they’ve known each other way before college started so I guess I have nothing compared to her. Funny because I am acting this way. I think it’s because even if I know there’s no more chance, a little spark of hope is still there. 

Other people make him happy. He makes me happy but I can’t make him. He finds his happiness with someone else and it’s really sad because I want him to know that I could also make him happy. I try. I always try. I always look for a way to lighten up his mood whenever he’s down and depressed. It might not be directly, but indirectly like through his blog. You know it actually breaks my heart knowing that I am hoping so much and he’s hoping for another one.

It’s so messed up. i don’t even know why I’m making this post. Maybe it’s the emotion that’s driving me crazy right now. Yeah, I guess it’s all the emotion. I can’t help it. Every day, I hope that he would notice me and consider me too. But I guess it’s a no and I’ve gotta stop. It totally breaks my heart. *Sigh

Just let it go

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“What will I do?” “What will I say?” “Omg, I think I’m going to fail” …those are just some things I tend to say whenever I over think. Sometimes, over thinking makes me so mad and crazy. Well maybe because I think about so many things and it just scramble inside my head and boom! I’m out of control. But every time I’m calm and at peace, I always say that over thinking is not nice at all. Really, not nice. It makes you crazy, go out of control, makes you mad and all which aren’t nice to look at. While I was scrolling down my dashboard on Tumblr, this photo showed up. I stared at it for a while and tried to remember all the things I did before. 

I am guilty of over thinking. I tend to do that when stress gets to me. It’s sad to know because it is same as worrying too much. God says, don’t worry at all. He will provide plus God has a plan for us. It’s only up to us if we make the right decisions. Of course making decisions wisely is needed here. But as what the picture says, let it go. Just let it be. Whatever decision you make, that’s the path you choose. You can think about the pros and cons but don’t over think. I tell you, don’t. It will only give you more stress that you don’t even need.

For example, when you saw your crush today and he talked to you. You were just so speechless that you forgot to utter your words and seem like your mind is over there and you can’t seem to find the exact words to say because your crush is there. And then when you go home, you recall what just happened and regret things like “I should’ve done that” “I should’ve said this, that”. Things like that.

The bottom line is, stop over thinking. It’s not healthy for all of us to over think.

Swallow that pride

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Swallow your pride. That’s the only way to forgive. If someone did bad thing/s to you, and you don’t seem to find any reasons to forgive them. But that person is your friend, that friend whom you’re with when eating lunch, free time–talking about everything and anything under the sun, and while walking going home. One day, just one day, he/she did something terrible to you and for days you guys never talked again. But something inside you wants to talk to them again but your pride is so high, nobody can reach it. 

This happened to me last year. It really affected my life because she was my first ever friend in my college life. Probably my closest to be exact. When we had a misunderstandings–until now–about a little thing which clearly I don’t even know, my life went terrible. I almost forgot to study my lessons and all. I took it to heart which was wrong. To be honest, I still don’t know the reason why we fought. She just started to ignore me like we were never friends! Everyone in school kept asking what happened but I couldn’t give them any answer because even I don’t know. I let it go because if are meant to be friends again, then we will be friends. But Christmas came and nothing happened, still. I told myself, “I gotta make a move!” And so I did. I swallowed my pride. Even if I was the ‘victim’ in this situation, I humbled myself down and told her “I’m sorry for whatever it is that I did wrong that made you so distant from me. You know I’m still puzzled about it but I’m here to say I miss you and all our crazy things together. I hope we could still be friends. Merry Christmas!” 

Yes, I was the one who said the sorry here. She replied saying sorry too. But it wasn’t the same as mine. It was fine. But our friendship never came back the way it was before. I’m okay with it because I finally found other people to be with. They’re my new friends. I finally know who my real friends are. They are the ones who stays.

To the one I love

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Love or infatuation, either of those, is what I feel. It really doesn’t matter right now because the feeling I have for him is getting stronger–which is not good because of many reasons. While scrolling down my dashboard, I read this interesting line from a poem. It goes: 

“i cannot think of a reason why my heart beats for you.”

Yes, I cannot think of a reason. My friend says to stop already. I’ve tried alot of times and still, the result is the same. I tried my best not to think about him and not to talk about him with my friend just to try myself from moving on. Last Sunday, I got to see him again. My heart jumped for joy when I saw him entering the room. Sounds cheesy and mainstream, but that is how I felt when I saw him. A small ache entered my heart when I saw him entering with the girl he likes. He isn’t over her yet but I pray, someday, he will. I’ve always wanted him to notice me and know that I like him at least. Although that wouldn’t be a good idea at all. Compared to the other girls he’s with, I’m pretty sure I ain’t one of those. All I can do that time was just to stare at him across the table. Inside my head, there’s a battle going on: To talk to him or not to talk to him. It lasted all the way that night till they decided to go. I didn’t get to talk to him neither said Hi. I was a coward. Sounds stupid coming from a girl’s mouth but let’s face it, every girl says those things too.

I check your tweets all the damn time, trying to update myself of your thoughts and feelings. Secretly, you have someone loving you. Even if you push people away, I am here. Always. Without you knowing it. I am scared that once you knew I like you, you would go away from me, farther than now. And I am hoping, that you and I could be friends. Even that, I would be happy.